With the New Year resolutions coming a vast majority of you will make a resolution to create more healthy lifestyle habits, which is AMAZING! However, this industry is a BILLION dollar industry. As in any highly successful industry it is about the MONEY. You will get a million and ten people offering you ways to cut the work in half and they will blind you into thinking that that is possible. You need to step into this industry with CLEAR goals, plenty of research, and a purpose. You can’t be innocent and vulnerable you HAVE to stick up for yourself. I used to be a part the fitness industry, I used to work with others in the fitness industry, I am dating a former body builder/personal trainer who left the fitness industry, I have walked away from the industry with others. I can tell you (we can all tell you) there are plenty of good people in the industry, however there are double the bad people. THIS IS NOT TO TURN YOU AWAY FROM BETTERING YOURSELF BUT RATHER TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO JUST FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND IGNORE THE INDUSTRY.
Do you truly understand there are NO (none) shortcuts:
Okay, lets start with this. Losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle is HARD work but it is some of the most rewarding work. That being said there are million short cuts out there (diet pills, fad diets, detox teas, etc) that will be offered to you and it will be tempting to take them and you may even try them before you really get to a lifestyle you sustain. However, none of these things WORK and help you actually lose weight you can keep off. They are filled with things that are toxic and harmful to your body. Trust me because I have found my sustainable lifestyle but only after years of chasing fads. I bought into Doctor Oz articles, diet pills, skinny/detox teas, and I tried them time after time. I even landed myself in the hospital after taking some fat burners, which got my heart rate so high it was simulating an anxiety attack for me again and again. It was horrible. I tried the products, sometimes I lost weight, and sometimes I didn’t lose weight. However, in the moments I did lose weight I gained it RIGHT back. There are absolutely no short cuts.
I think the hardest thing that you need to understand about weight loss is it’s not supposed to be a quick process. In fact the faster you lose large amounts of weight the less likely you are to keep it off. Losing weight to fast usually is done so through extreme diets, unhealthy measures, and a whole bunch of water weight loss methods. The best way to lose weight is at a slower and sustainable rate. You want to make sure that you are losing it in a way that you can keep up with. Thats why huge caloric deficits and extreme workouts won’t work in the long run. I know you want to lose that weight fast but you also want to keep it off. The way you lose the weight is a HUGE determinent in you keeping it off or not. Stop taking shortcuts and buckle in for a long and rewarding ride.
There are so many people (like SO SO MANY) that will take advantage of you:
If you want to hire a coach or trainer, I get it, I pay good money each month for a coach. However, there are a few things you should take into consideration when looking for a coach.
- Certifications: Certifications are by no means necessary to be a coach. A lot of people have tons of workout knowledge without the certifications but you have to make sure it is clear to you what their knowledge is! For example, my coach has worked with competitors and the common crowd. She has over 15 years of fitness experience and she does extreme research on her own time. She requires you to fill out a 4-5 page application asking questions that might effect how your body functions in terms of your fitness goals. She also sends long emails, like paragraphs long, explaining to you why she wants you to do what she wants you to do. That is the type of coach I don’t mind paying a lot of money for because I trust her and she hast yieled me great results.
- Money: NEVER make finding the cheapest plan your top priority in search of a coach. There are a million people out there who will sell you a cheap program but usually this is because they don’t have the qualifications to charge you for more. Cheaper programs usually mean less hands on experience and the loss of personalization. Every single body is different and if you are not getting a plan customized to you then you really aren’t getting the best plan.
- That being said about money don’t think that if you pay more that it means you will get quality service. Please read up on the person who you are buying a program from. Search their name in Facebook, Instagram, google, BBB, etc. See if they have client testimonials and what their qualifications are. There are to many coaches out there who offer “personalized plans” for a high price yet they truly are scamming you out of your money. Do not just go to someone who has a bunch of followers on social media and go to their website and buy a plan. FOLLOWERS DOES NOT EQUAL QUALIFICATIONS.
If a person pushes their discount code or a link on you then chances are they probably don’t want to help you (not true for all but for a vast majority and its hard finding the good ones). If they send you short emails and ask little about you then they probably don’t want to help you. If they don’t have satisfied clients then they are probably in it for the money. BE CAUTIOUS and do your research, which leads me to my next point.
Do your damn research:
Make sure you can wade your way through what actually is total crap and what is true. Study form, study proper nutrition, study SUSTAINABLE fat loss, etc everything that you want to do RESEARCH IT. I can’t tell you the amount of times that I have spoken with someone who only stays with a trainer because said trainer isn’t explaining to them WHY they are telling them to do what they are doing. A coach can provide some great guidance but at the end of the day their goal should be to teach you and eventually cut you loose with the knowledge on how to do it yourself. To many coaches create fear and don’t educate so they can keep you coming back to them. There are so many resources out there but make sure you are reading scholarly articles versus just something that you googled and found on a website pushing their own agenda. There are also a LOT of educated people on instagram but I have to tell you 9/10 the person with the most followers on instagram is NOT the most educated. A lot of people assume since they lost weight they have what it takes to tell others how to lose weight and quite frankly that is just not true. Ask yourself what are this person’s credentials? Are they roping you in by selling a solution to a problem? Do they seem like they post more to educate or to sell products? These are genuine questions you have to ask yourself.
Don’t jump into this whole process vunerable, make sure that you do know the basics so that you can succeed and wade through the bullshit.
Finally, choose a gym WITHOUT getting taken advantage of:
If you are just starting out you don’t need an expansive gym membership or a huge gym with tons of equipment. In fact it is possible to do this without a gym membership at all, I’ll be it, it certainly helps depending on what your goals are and what you are willing do. Again, it’s a money industry, and guess what the gym is no different. If you have someone who is used to the gym maybe have them go with you to navigate what you need for a membership. For starters you can go to a basic gym and get the most basic membership. There are a lot of huge fancy gyms out there with a lot of fancy amenities they will try to sell you on. You can always always UPGRADE your gym membership but most gyms lock you into a membership so you cannot downgrade. So start small and you can always go bigger. Think of it this way, say you want to buy a super expensive product but you don’t know if you’ll like it so you want to try it out first, what would you do? You would buy a sample size or ask someone for a sample. Take a basic membership at a gym as the same thing, trying it out before you commit to a huge part of it. That being said, TONS of gyms have free trial passes so before you even sign on for a gym membership at all shop around for a gym you will like and feel comfortable in. So literally don’t pay a DIME before you see if you like it.
This is a subject I am really passionate about. Fitness helped me get over my eating disorder but I also learned the hard way the industry also greatly contributed to it in the first place. There are so many good people looking to change others lives in the industry but sadly there are also so many bad. I know this blog seems harsh and a little bit of an attack on the fitness industry but I type it because I wan’t everyone to be able to better themselves without getting preyed on. Choosing to live healthier is one of the best things that you can do for yourself and unfortunately a lot of people know that and take advantage of it. I just want to warn you about what IS out there so you can push right past it and start working on the best version of you.
I put “Illness” in quotes because I hate being called mentally ill, but let me tell you I was/am struggling. That is why I have been so absent. My anxiety has been to the point of depression. My motivation to create and to write was zero percent and every form of my social media projects suffered. However, I have no regrets in not posting I needed that time to figure me out and come up with a game plan on how to help myself.
2018 has been a year for my mental health. I have always suffered from anxiety since I was about 6-7. However, in different stages of my life anxiety started to manifest itself in different ways. When I was a kid I was always nervous about something but I just thought it was normal, the only reason I knew I had anxiety was people told me I had anxiety and doctors prescribed me medication for it. In High School I did begin to see it as more of problem but again was pretty naive to it. Come college it really started manifesting itself but I used drinking to distract myself from it. When I got out of college I had to break that coping by drinking habit really fast. Anxiety manifested itself in many ways, 2016 being at its absolute worst when my Uncle died (death is my biggest trigger, however I made a recovery and it wasn’t until this year it dipped way back down.
Stigma on medication:
My WHOLE life I grew up taking medication. I have had a lot of friends that came and went in my life who knew of my medication that I took. Unfortunately, this caused issues more than once. We all know that the friends we make when you are young and dumb aren’t always forever and when I had friends walk out of my life medication was often used against me. There were a few friends I got into fights with and they used my medication as a way to call me crazy. They would tell me to go take my crazy pills or something along those lines. When I was younger it did make me feel very ashamed but sadly I grew used to it and became a little more secretive for a while about what I was taking.
However, that is not why I used to want to get off of it. At the end of 2017, due to the “fitspos” I followed, I had convinced myself that I need to get off my medication. They had me convinced that I’d do better naturally and the toxins in my medication were slowly killing me. They had me say a big f*** you to big pharma and quite frankly my mom was worried. She tried to remind me that I needed my medication and I was lucky to have it. However, Instagram truly had me convinced that my weight loss, my overall health, my muscle growth was all going to be affected negatively by what I was taking. I started to see how things like natural vitamins and essential oils helped with my anxiety and sleeping. While they did provide a good cushion they definitely were NOT enough to replace my medication. At the time, I was still determined, Then 2018 hit and so did the fits of my mental health declining.
Fits of declines:
I have lost count of the amount of times but ever since January my mental health has had many fits of highs and lows. At first they lasted a week or so. Just outright going to bed every night with anxiety, being easily triggered, and living with being nearly depressed. Then as the months progressed so did these fits. The stayed for longer and came on harder. I was very open with my social media community about these highs and lows. I would tell them about how good I was doing and then a 1-2 months later back down I would go. To me, it started to sound like a broken record on social media. I am probably being my own worst critic but I truly felt like a broken record and that people were getting annoyed with me. I was having these ups and downs so often that I was worried people thought I was fabricating them for likes. This most recent one was by far the worst yet in terms of anxiety, in terms of length, and in terms of depression. Things that have never happened in my previous ones started happening. I was crying often, I was getting in my own head and self-destructing everything around me, convincing myself my life was falling apart. etc. I was in a horrible spot and I attempted to keep my mental health community updated. Then the fit took away my motivation to do ANYTHING on social media, which was actually a blessing. I told my crowd I needed to step back and figure me out and they were more than understanding,
Honestly, they were so scary I had never felt this low before. I had never felt flat and emotionless or extremely depressed. I never was worried about my mental health destructing my life. However, the more they came on the more worried I got. The deeper down a hole I went and honestly it was terrifying because with each one getting worse the thought of “Will the next one break me” was a very real possibility. My life was starting to come together at 23-24 but my mental health was not.
Finally opening up to my doctor:
Due to a very bad experience with my childhood psychiatrist my relationship with the one who I have been using for the past 10 years greatly suffered. I was careful not to indicate too much and I would answer his questions shortly and briefly to get in and out of appointments. Again, I had not yet developed an appreciation for how lucky I was. I didn’t believe that a change of medication is what I needed yet. It wasn’t till a few people really pushed me by saying if you feel this way you need to open up to your doctor about it that I thought maybe I should talk with him about it. I was extremely hesitant the first time around, but I did manage to talk to him about some increased anxiety. We went through the steps was I worried about self harming myself, what were my triggers, etc and in the end we ended up doubling my dosage, which helped for a while but not to much in the long run. I was scheduled for another appointment with the same doctor a few months later but when the latest mental health “fit” came on I called to make an emergency appointment. I couldn’t deal with the constant anxiety, depression, emotions, etc and I needed to see what could be done about it. I know that a lot of anxiety is identifying triggers but a lot of times these declines were brought on by nothing at all and I truly do think a lot of it was a chemical imbalance.
I vowed to myself going into this appointment that I would be as open and honest as I could. I wasn’t going to try to get briefly in and out I was going to take the time to be open and see what my doctor suggested. I walked in there and began to answer normal questions and I can’t tell you how hard it was to answer things like “Actually no, my anxiety is NOT doing okay” or to truly open up about how I had been suffering all year. If you are struggling to open up to a doctor about your mental health trust me I GET IT. It took me 11 months of suffering to finally admit I needed help but I am happy I did. As a result of our conversation we actually trippled (absolutely necessary I was on too low of a dosage for my anxiety levels) my anxiety medication. I am actually not to proud of it but I was getting so anxious that I was actually taking double the first adjusted dosage anyways in an attempt to feel better. I am aware that that was a possible opening to a dangerous path but I do think it speaks volumes to people who are desparate to get out of a bad mental health situation. In addition to that we decided it would potentially be good for me to go on a mood stabilizer since I was swinging through so many highs and lows this year. I have now been on them for nearly a month and can see how drastically my life has changed.
A new appreciation for mental health and medication:
Honestly, less than a year ago the VERY last thing I wanted to do was increase and add medication. Social media had me convinced that I could solve my mental health issues the “natural way”. After having so many episodes this year I am so glad that bias within myself is gone. I have completely changed my mindset. How many people are going through episodes like I did? 1/4 people suffer from mental health issues, so that number is extremely large. How many of those people do you think don’t have the option to have access to medication? While I don’t have that ACTUAL statistic off the top of my head I know its large and I know it’s a problem. There are people out there who would literally kill to have access to medications that make them feel better. Everyday people with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc suffer and they don’t get to feel a sense of stability in health from medication. I am lucky to have the option to have the right medication that makes me feel better and helps with my mental health. Yes I may be on a few different prescriptions but they improve my quality of living and I am happy because I will take that over these mental health fits any day.
I have taken my medication for so long that I had almost forgotten why I was taking it. It really took this year and the obstacles I faced to really have a renewed appreciation for the medication I was taking and the privilege I have to take it. Since starting this new medication I feel so much better off. I do notice that sometimes my mood can be mildly flat with the mood stabilizer, however my overall anxiety has gone down and I have been able to live a normal life again.
The hopefully last road to recovery.
I do think that I did have some form of chemical imbalance going on that the medication fixed. However, the scariest thing about getting better is every time I get better I never know if it is going to happen again. It has been such a pattern this year and like I said earlier each time I get into a new one it gets harder and harder to get out. I know I am strong I have fought myself out of every one of them and have just recently seeked out help from medication. However, I don’t know if I have the strength and energy to pull myself out of another one. I truly hope this medication will help prevent another mental health fit from happening. I still struggle with getting back on top of my projects and doing the things I love but I am trying to do better at it day by day.
Moral of the story, do what you have to do for your health. Take a break from what you feel you need to, talk to the doctor and have some trust in them, and fight for your sanity. Know you are not alone and you can always talk to me or anyone else openly suffering about it.
Thank you for being patient and understanding my absence.
CBD is the new “hot topic” right now. Although, it appears to be more than just a fad. Many are claiming for it to be a NATURAL alternative to aid with pain, anxiety, and so much more.
I won’t pretend to know much about its medical properties and why it is so helpful so here is a website that helped educate me:
Being someone with such bad anxiety I decided to try this new thing out. Here are the brands I have tried and my review on them.
Pure relief is super awesome. They are mental health advocates so I am way behind that. If you check their account out they actually have multiple series on people who share their mental health story and how CBD helped them. It really drew me to the brand as I do focus a lot on mental health.
250 Pure Hemp Oil
Taste: Not going to lie to you here. It tastes like a liquid joint. You can definitely taste the hemp in it. Luckily, they just came out with a mint flavored product and this should help hide some of the taste!
Calming effect: DEFINITELY, noticed some calmness initially. HOWEVER, I have severe anxiety and I believe a higher tolerance to the dosage of these. Therefore the calmness did not last very long. I have discovered through trying these two products that I have a higher tolerance and therefore need more MG.
My suggestion to you is to play around with dosages and asess your tolerance to CBD oil. Pure relief has free samples to try out CBD all you have to do is pay for shipping!
500 Mg Pain Salve:
Taste: Kind of non applicable. Unless you eat topical cream YOU DO YOU.
Pain reduction: Okay, so I don’t have chronic pain. However, when I was in England I sprang my ankle. Now if I stand on it weird I re-aggravate it and get shooting pain through my whole foot. Well the day I received this I happened to do that and I put it on and it really helped!
I won’t speak to its effects on chronic pain. The reason for that is I do not suffer from chronic pain so for me to say that it helps would be unethical. However, again pure relief offers free samples of this salve and you can try it for free and see if it helps reduce your pain! Again, it helped me when I was in temporary state of pain.
1000 MG Pure Spectrum Hemp Oil
Taste: Suprisingly with the higher dosages I couldn’t taste the distinct taste of hemp as much but it is definitely still detectable.
Calming effect: I definitely noticed that I was much calmer with this than with lower dosages but it STILL wasn’t that extreme fix that everyone was talking about. I was able to relax on it for a longer period of time than lower dosages.
Cured Nutrition has become the popular CBD for a lot of Instagram influencers. I believe that their marketing is more geared towards the fitness niche. Most of the people who hold a discount code for the product are fitness influencers. To be honest I wasn’t 100 percent sold on this brand even after RAVING about it. For starters, I had a pretty bad customer service experience. It wasn’t the person that was rude or anything like that but they didn’t follow some pretty standard procedures and long story short they held my money and I had zero confirmation of product for more than 5 days. In the end I never got the product and had to reorder and get a refund. Then I had a really hard time feeling what everyone felt with these products. However, I won’t blame that on their products again I believe I have a higher dosage
Taste: 10/10 AMAZING
Calming Effects: Minor-Medium. The dosages of these are only 100 mg so again they just don’t have an effect on my body. I will say there were some times I felt calmer after using them.
Taste: 6/10. It does taste like cookie dough but you can definitely taste the hemp in it. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing but it definitely is a distinct taste. I knocked it down for that specific reason.
Calming effect: Minor. Again my body doesn’t do well with low dosages
500 Mint Hemp Extract
Taste: It tastes like absolutely nothing. I don’t taste the mint but I think the mint is just canceling out the CBD taste causing it to taste like nothing.
Calming effect: If I take ONE dropper, I feel absolutely NOTHING. The only time I felt something was the first time I took it. Then after that I had to start taking more than the recommended dosages to be able to get a fraction of that desired effect.
OVERALL TAKE ON CBD
It makes me SO sad to say this but while CBD definitely does help me it doesn’t have that huge effect on me that it does for everyone else. This saddens me because I truly would love some more relief for my anxiety especially in natural form. I think what I will have to do is continue to play around with dosages or get a higher dosage.
IF YOU WANT TO WATCH MY YOUTUBE REVIEW ON THESE COMPANIES SEE BELOW
Okay, so this blog comes from a place of disgust, pain, and hurting. Lately a few tragic events have occurred. Here they are listed
1) Demi Lovato overdosing and, thank God, going to rehab
2) Mac Miller overdosing and dying, which is an absolute tragedy.
3) Everyone blaming Ariana Grande for Mac Miller’s death
The negativity that has stemmed from these two/three situations has genuinely upset me to the point of tears. So I’m going to go into how these situations are speaking to our society and I’m going to try my BEST to put a positive spin to it but this is a blog that just needs to be put out there if not for anyone else, for me.
I started typing this blog when these incidents were a little more relevant, however I went to England and since it is such a deep topic I had to lay off on typing it while spending time with my granddad but now I am ready to attack this topic.
People are a little torn between finding the connection in mental health issues and addiction and just outright saying addiction is a choice. I won’t go into detail but I will say that as someone who struggles with mental health and has a loved one who is recovered from a horrible addiction MENTAL HEALTH AND ADDICTION ARE CONNECTED. If that offends you, SORRY again we are NOT meant to connect. So lets launch into why I am so passionate about this topic.
This one is hard for me. Around a week after she overdosed memes started surfacing making fun of her. I can’t tell you how sad this made me ALONE but then I started reading comments justifying it. Comments like “Since she’s a celebrity and didn’t utilize her resources it’s all her fault”, “Listen to sorry not sorry clearly she didn’t care about her problems”, “Its her fault addiction is a choice”.
So I want to address some of these things. First off, ADDICTION isn’t ALWAYS just addiction. A good percentage of the time there are HUGE underlying mental health issues behind addicts. For example, someone who is depressed may drink their problems away. The thing about MENTAL HEALTH and ADDICTION is it is not just as simple as identifying a problem and saying “Oh, I have a problem let me seek out help for it”. No, I WISH it was as easy as that. We would be living in a much happier and better society if those who had problems were quick to admit it and seek out help for it.
Lets look at this from an eating disorder standpoint. A LOT of people who have bulimia and or who are just binge eaters without the purging have an underlying addiction, food. Just from experiencing an eating disorder, advocating for those who still have one, and talking with those who have one 9/10 said person will NOT seek out a therapist. They are terrified the therapist will tell them they need to go to treatment, or they will make them eat more/less food, change their ways of lives, etc. Another good chunk of them when go to a therapist because they just believe that they are “fat” and that they don’t have a problem. They have it in their mind that these are normal weight loss habits. My point in this analogy is when you have a sickness or an addiction you are more than likely in denial of that addiction till something happens to you where you admit to yourself you need help.
So, for all of you who are saying that she had all the resources in the world so you don’t feel bad for her, resources or not she needed this rock bottom to seek out help. She is a human being who has her demons like I know every single one of us do. She is going through a hard time, she is seeking help now, and the fact some of you want to make memes out of it just for a laugh is a large part of why people with these issues don’t COME OUT and talk to others about it or even seek help. They are afraid of being JUDGED.
We need to extend our sympathy to those going through this and encourage them to get the proper help they need.
Mac Miller & Ariana Grande:
What REALLY angers me about this is that the same world that has no sympathy for Demi Lovato was so angered by Mac Miller’s death that they took that anger out on Ariana Grande. They put Mac Miller on a pedestal of remembrance, which I understand because he was an amazing soul. However, they then think that she should have stayed with him at his lowest to “fix him”. That is where my issue lies. Yes, Mac Miller died but other than that what is the difference between that and Demi Lovato? They were both suffering
What I am about to say goes for both addiction AND mental health issues. It is NOT anyone else’s job to fix YOU but YOURSELF. While I have sympathy for those with these issues you cannot rely on others to make you better. You and ONLY you can do that. There is nobody who can make you stick with the therapy, there is nobody who can be there EVERY moment you feel like relapsing, there is nobody who can physically stop you from taking the drugs, there is nobody who can read your mind when you are secretly planning to act on your addiction (again look at it from the eating disorder standpoint a person with bulimia doesn’t say they are going to the bathroom to purge). While there actually may be a person in your life that is WILLING to do all those things it will not do anything if you aren’t willing to do those things for yourself.
No girl or man needs to stay in a relationship that is not SERVING them or that is DRAINING them. A purpose of a relationship is to be in love with each other in a mutually beneficial way. Will it be uneven at times? Yes. Will there be hard times? Yes. Will one have to carry the other sometimes? Yes. However, THIS SHOULDN’T BE FOR THE MAJORITY OF THE RELATIONSHIP. You can try to fix someone with these issues till you’re blue in the face or till you even develop your own problems, but as I mentioned before if they aren’t ready to do change it is not going to do s***! Ariana’s decision to leave Mac Miller because his addiction was draining her IS NOT why he died. He died because he was suffering from a DISEASE. You cannot put that blame on anyone else. It is extremely wrong of society to say someone has to stay with someone when they are in the lowest of the lows. I am all for being with someone who supports you through your issues, I have that right now with my boyfriend, but I don’t take him down with me. It is not fair to tell someone who is being dragged down to unhealthily stay and not seek a better life for themselves. You wouldn’t tell anyone in an abusive relationship to stay to help the abuser through their problems and this is absolutely NO different.
Mental health and addiction:
I wanna address ONE more thing. It speaks to the more sympathetic and humane people supporting these celebrities. So many people have sympathy for someone who is famous when they are going through these issues but they NEVER support anyone who isn’t famous. They may run the other way, they may avoid the conversation, they may judge them, see them as worthless, and this double standard HAS TO STOP.
Just because someone is in the public light doesn’t mean that they are more worthy of love and support than any other person who is struggling. I am not saying that you shouldn’t support celebrities with problems obviously that is the whole point of this blog. What I am saying is if you can find a place for sympathy for them you most certainly can find a place of sympathy for everyone.
I strongly stand behind people who say “I don’t know anyone who chooses addiciton”. Yes, some responsibility may lie on them for trying the substance out in the first place but what happens after that is beyond their control. Again, I have seen a loved one go through the rock bottom of addiction. It is dark, it is nasty, it is full of desperation, it is full of lying to those you love, it is full of feeling like there is no point in living, and it is NOT SOMETHING ANYONE CHOOSES.
Support those going through addiction and mental health issues BUT if it is dragging you down and taking you into a dark place know it is okay to walk away. You can root for someone, love them, and support them from a distance. All in all you have to protect yourself first. There is nothing wrong with that.
So that is my take on this whole situation it may be short but if I go much deeper into my thoughts you may be reading a more negative and rant filled blog. I just want us to understand the places that people are coming from with their diseases. Being more sympathetic as a society can truly help others who are struggling. I am so tired of seeing the underbelly of society lately I want to see more strangers rooting for others and I just want to see more love going around.
I hope that you read this and support what I believe in and spread love.
Under my old blog I wrote a post called “Viewing Food as the Enemy” In it I talked about overcoming an eating disorder and developing a great relationship with food. Lets go over a few things. Did you overcame an eating disorder like I did? Do you just assume since you are working out, eating healthy, looking good, etc you have a great relationship with food? Sound familiar? Let me tell you, if this is true for you and you do feel you have a good relationship, GREAT. However, it is okay for you to admit you don’t. It took a TON TON TON of soul searching but I finally realized that I was lying to myself. While I certainly have made significant strides I hadn’t fixed my relationship with food completely.
So I don’t want to blog about JUST eating disorders, I do want to be a lifestyle blogger, but on top of doing that I do feel like it is my duty to talk about mental health every once in a while and blog my opinions about it. I say that because I am willing to talk about it and open up about it and people need that.
With that being said, this is not always going to be my blog content, but please read on.
Its not that simple:
This may sound ass backwards to those into fitness and it may be hard to understand but in order for one with an eating disorder to completely restore their relationship with food they cannot view ANY food as BAD. For me I see it as multi-step. Step 1, they truly must understand that food is not the enemy, things in moderation will not hurt you, you can eat what you crave, feeding your body is loving it, etc. Essentially, in this step you need to know that there is NO food that you must restrict yourself from. Once this is understood you really have repaired your relationship with food. Then you may choose to not only choose foods that nourish your body and that are good for you but ALSO indulge in things that may not be good for you. If that is what you truly desire.
I know people’s heart were in the right place when they said this but one thing I couldn’t STAND was “The craving will only last so long the guilt will last for a while”. Like thanks for the encouragement to stick to my plan but also you don’t understand how my brain works. Someone says that, it doesn’t matter who, and that food becomes the enemy. Those who have had EDS don’t have that logical thinking of “One thing won’t make me fat” we often think “This one thing WILL make me fat”. Those who currently are battling ED 100 percent do not have that logical thinking. I am not trying to contribute to an overly sensitized and offended world but God sayings like that push my buttons.
First off, you’re implying that we eat food not to enjoy the taste. Sorry, but food is MEANT TO BE TASTED. Period. Yes, it is meant to fuel our body. However, in this world we have endless options to eat things that are good for us and we ENJOY the taste of. Nobody should be forcing anything down their throats just to look good when they do not enjoy the taste. This line of “dedication to your goals” and “having a shit relationship with food” are constantly crossing. I hear people all the time who eat one food so much they become physically sick from it and they can’t eat it anymore. Hell, I have done this with many foods myself.
Second off, you’re promoting the harmful diet culture. I understand what a “diet” is but honestly that is NOT what we should be calling it. The best term is a lifestyle change or even “a temporary caloric deficit” would be better. You are not supposed to be in a caloric deficit for long periods of time and diet culture definitely does not address that. Diet culture is CONSTANTLY promoting a certain look, certain harmful diets, etc. We refer to it so often that even if we aren’t intending to play into it we definitely are. At the end of the day NO FOOD in this world is bad for us in MODERATION (In absence of allergies or health conditions). So stop telling people what they can and can’t eat and if you don’t agree with this philosophy then you and I were not made to connect in this world and that is okay. However, I refuse to tell someone something is bad for them and play into the fear of food.
Even preaching what I did I was darkly behind the scenes falling into diet culture:
“Eating this will completely ruin my results”, “Not doing this last bike sprint is going to hinder my progress”, “If I eat this much then I will look a certain way”. It is ALL bullshit but yet it is CONSTANTLY promoted. Naturally, I couldn’t even realize I was subtly falling a victim to it because it is so dang normalized. I didn’t still have my eating disorder but I also didn’t have the healthiest view on food. I think people now have a harder time coming to the fact that they have a disorder because diet culture now promotes disordered thinking as healthy. Coaches are out there giving barely any food to their clients. Young girls are having a harder and harder time getting over their eating disorders because they can’t even recognize what they are doing is disordered. A large part of this is due to the diet culture and the “lifestyle” a lot of us are promoting on social media. We need to take a step back and REALLY push more mental health self-care as well.
So where am I now with my relationship with food?
While my relationship with food CERTAINLY is not perfect, it is in the process of being healed. I don’t know how long it will be before I stop having any fears of food all together or before I NEVER have an irrational thought in regards to foods and calories, but they are occurring less and less.
Right now, I am working on being more forgiving, enjoying what I am doing, and not focusing so much on the food. After all the experience should be what its about not the food. For me, its more important to focus on the company I am with than whats going in my mouth. Does this mean I binge? Absolutely not. I am very sensible but it is a different mindset. It’s not consciously thinking of every little bit and piece that goes in my mouth and trying to add up how many calories in my head.
In taking this approach and being more forgiving I feel like it has opened my eyes to how ridiculous I was being before. I still have fitness goals, I still wanna eat healthy 80-90 percent of the time, but I am not letting it eat me alive. We can’t let ONE thing consume us so much. Think of it this way, say you are trying to grow a brand. In growing that brand you rely on another brand or industry solely to make YOUR brand succeed. Well what happens if that brand comes crashing down? You go with it because you didn’t focus on just you. You essentially were just a walking advertisement for them. YOU need to be the walking advertisement for your mental health. You can’t put ALL your health and sanity into JUST fitness because when that changes, you hit a wall, etc. you won’t know what to do with yourself because you have so deeply associated your health with that. The best thing you can do is learn how to develop and flourish your mental health and do what things make you mentally better. This may be fitness but it may also be OTHER things. For me, it may be reading, it may be having some wine with friends, writing these blogs, choosing what type of content I get to put out, and really all of that helps me to be a better me. NOT JUST FITNESS, while I do love fitness I am not relying on it solely for my mental clarity.
When all is said in done I did what I needed to do in order to have my healthy relationship with food and be happy with my life. I think one of the most important things in this world is a healthy relationship with food. Whether we like it or not our lives are going to be centered around food. Whether it be for energy, to get better, or in social situations. So if you don’t have a good relationship with food, and fitness or anything else you may be obsessing about isn’t fixing it, then you need to reevaluate your approach. I highly suggest doing what I did and taking a step back and being honest with yourself. It is not easy, it is not comfortable, but nothing worth it is.
That is my thought for the day, so if this spoke to you at all I am very glad and know you can always talk to me about it.
My Instagram, Youtube, and Facebook Page are below! I am usually most responsive on Instagram if you need to talk.
Happy Friday my people, its a wonderful life 🙂
Hello guys. I am back. I would like to start by saying I am sorry for taking so long to write another blog post. There has been TONS going on in my life and unfortunately the blog fell behind a little. I am still sharing my story and helping others through Instagram and Facebook but that takes up a mass amount of my time. I also am currently working full time and studying to get a fitness nutrition certification so sitting down and writing is really hard. That being said I wanted to talk about the link between anxiety and my eating disorder or a little more broadly my weight.
My anxiety has always been of an obsessive nature from obsessing over what people think of me, thinking negative thoughts when things don’t go my way, planning all the time, etc. Growing up skinny and having people always actively notice how skinny I was and then when that suddenly stopped it triggered something inside of me that created a bridge between my anxiety and my weight, which obviously led to an eating disorder. In this blog I will go over specific triggers of the anxiety linked to my weight.
The big bad scale:
The scale was my biggest battle, it still is, and I believe that it always will be. The link between anxiety and the scale is obvious because the scale literally triggered anxiety attacks for me. Not just the weighing myself but the thought of the scale and just looking at the scale would put me in a frenzy. When I thought about weighing myself it literally felt like 100 pounds got added to me. I would physically FEEL like my feet were 50 pound weights each and that when I stepped on the scale I was going to be so overwhelmed by the number I saw, and guess what I was.
I really did this to myself with the scale. When I initially lost a ton of weight from running back in 2014 I obsessively weighed myself to see how much weight I lost. I would become consumed by trying to keep the number down. I didn’t care about muscle or strength I just wanted to be stick thin again. This is what made it really hard when I gained weight back even if a large chunk of it may have been muscle. In doing that I have made it the hardest habit to kick. I knew I wasn’t at that low weight anymore but I couldn’t just tell myself to not weigh myself because I was to invested and almost addicted to doing it. I was waiting for some magical thing to happen where I lost 20 pounds again even though I was eating like shit, working out half assed, and drinking 3-5 nights a week. I was literally triggering my anxiety attacks myself. When I looked at the scale and didn’t like the number I saw I freaked out, I thought my life was over, that my body was ruined and I would never be able to have the body I want. It caused anxiety attacks and me being upset for days after.
I rarely weigh myself anymore but I do still get overly concerned about my weight at times and it can be a source of anxiety for me. I avoid the scale at all costs if anything that is negative is going on in my mind. If I cannot look at that scale and not be bothered by what I see I don’t weigh myself. This isn’t just for my own safety but because it eases my anxiety. Before I looked at the scale as something that I HAD to do. I NEEDED to know my weight in order to measure my success but now I am perfectly fine with living in ignorance to my weight as long as I am happy with what I see in the mirror.
I have mentioned that some of my biggest habits were
- Body Checking
- Covering my midsection with something
In my anxiety I have obsessive habits when I get thoughts into my head and can’t let go of them. I put this in my previous post about anxiety (my last blog before this if you have not read it yet). Within my eating disorder I started forming obsessive habits that are still hard to shake. They became so obsessive that I was doing them multiple times a day or every time I sat down (covering my midsection). I won’t go to in depth about this because it truly speaks for itself.
I woke up every single morning and spent up to 20 minutes looking at my body, through out the day, and at night. Anytime I sat down I became so obsessive over the “rolls” on my stomach that I had to cover them up with whatever was close by pillows, my purse, ANYTHING.
I still fight with the body checking but I have gotten much better at it.
It was hard to talk myself down from a ledge that was my mind. I was so set in my ways and convinced of certain things ( I.e. Eating pizza one time will make me gain weight that I will never lose) that straying from those certain things would cause anxiety. When I lock into something like a certain thought or belief it makes it extremely hard for me to change my mind and that is why getting over an eating disorder, among a million other reasons, is such a big deal. It literally required getting over thoughts that I had set in stone in my brain and accepted as the truth. To get over the disorder I had to change my whole perception of reality, which I am still shaping today.
Its similar to how I am with all life situations feeling the need to plan everything out, obsessing over my loved ones safety, etc. I.e. If a loved one doesn’t let me know that they are safe when they arrive somewhere then I go into obsessive thinking that something happened to them. That can lead to obsessive actions such as texting and calling.
So lets relate the anxiety tendency to the eating disorder:
Action: I eat a food that is not good for me (I.e. pizza, tacos, a piece of cake, candy, anything)
Thought process: Why did I do this, my body is ruined, I weigh so much weight now, I will never be able to lose weight, I am such an idiot. I give myself anxiety thinking all of this.
Obsessive reaction: In being so obsessed about my weight I act on my eating disorder because in my mind that’s what is going to solve my irrational thought process.
Obsessive thought processes are apart of my anxiety in all aspects of life not just my weight. However, in already having the habit of these thought processes it was easy for me to make that transition into being anxious about my weight and having irrational thought processes about that. Truly speaking many of us have issues with our weight and have some negative connotations linked to it but clearly mine was a little more unhealthy than most and contributed to an eating disorder.
Where I am today:
A lot of my eating disorder was triggering of my anxiety because I was actually working myself up into anxiety attacks, however the reason that was happening is because I had started linking anxious thoughts to my weight.
I am not perfect, I am not cured of all bad thoughts and habits about my body. I still struggle daily. Whats different is that I would never cause harm to my body now. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t have negative thoughts about my body from time to time or that I don’t struggle with myself. Now a days I think my biggest battle is still the scale and my weight, I am trying to train myself to know that my weight is not reflective of my success. Truly there is so much that goes into the fluctuation of weight from food, water, hormones, etc that relying solely on the scale would be ridiculous. However, I know how hard it is to train my mind (Someone who is recovered) so I know its even harder to train someone who isn’t recovered mind to think this.