The idea of my first post is to give you a background of what my eating disorder stemmed from. I am not going to tell you every single thing right now but just give you an introduction to me and who I am. Feel free, after reading this, to reach out to me and tell me what your body issues and/or eating disorder stemmed from. I am more than happy to support and help. Of course through out my blog I will go more in detail about me, specific incidents, my fitness journey, tips, and just things I feel like expressing. For now let me introduce myself and how I got to where I was.
Growing up I was the girl that everyone always had a comment about how skinny I was. I will not lie I looked sickly skinny, almost anorexic, however the thing is I was so far from it. I was just severely underdeveloped in terms of weight but truly this was not from a lack of eating. I consumed food in mass amounts I could eat whatever I wanted. When I hit 5th grade this was becoming a concern of my parents so they took me to a doctor who told them I was 20 pounds underweight for my age. They put me on drinks like pedisure to help me grow but nothing worked and it just seemed like that was how my body would stay. Personally, I thought it was awesome I ate whatever I wanted, I could wear whatever I wanted, and as horrible as it sounds the little girl in me liked that people would always comment how skinny I was because I enjoyed people talking to me. I never heard of anything like anorexia or bulimia until a few years later. Middle school came and I was still super skinny and this is when a negative association started coming with my weight. People came up to my parents and told them I was too skinny for my age, they asked them if they were feeding me enough, people at school started asking around if I was anorexic, suddenly weight was an issue that everyone talked about. I know a few girls who were my friends at the time who were unhappy with their body so they tried becoming bulimic. I would like to pause and say that is absolutely heart breaking that society has put such an image of what we are supposed to look like that little girls under the age of 13 are making themselves sick to look like it. Anyways, none of this affected me because I was perfectly fine with my body. I was still a size 0-2 in everything, I was still eating whatever I wanted, and I was still just completely unaffected by body image. Now do not get me wrong I struggled with my appearances since I was a very young age: my head is too square, why are my teeth round, I am not pretty, boys will never like me, etc,.. However, weight was never apart of that.
Lets fast forward to sophomore year of high school. By this time, while a lot were still struggling with body issues it wasn’t this huge thing everyone was talking about. Personally, I think high school and college may be the time when people who develop eating disorders also learn to hide their secrets and their eating disorder certainly becomes one of the biggest and most dangerous ones. Anyways, we are in my sophomore year of high school and I start to realize my body is changing, I start to realize my body cannot eat whatever it wants, basically my whole “normal” is being uprooted. However, this really didn’t become an issue for me till my junior year. I am not sure how it hit me or why but I suddenly realized I wasn’t the skinniest person in school, or even our friend group, anymore and I could not handle it. I compared photos of what I looked like when I was younger to what I looked like then and I nearly lost it. The fact that these were my thoughts, especially comparing myself to my friends, and not being okay with not being the skinniest should of indicated I was in for a long road ahead. However, again here I am again with another as bad as it sounds statement, my eating disorder was so very minor in high school, in the prestages if you will, that I often times forget I even had it then. It wasn’t till I hit sophomore year in college that this really became an issue. I really started gaining weight then. I was absolutely miserable. I looked at girls being confident in themselves when I was out, it was almost as if I physically saw the confidence radiating out of them and I was so absolutely jealous. I felt like I would never ever have that. As a result of the weight gain and thinking I would never have a good body I started to binge-eat, which is extremely easy to do in a dorm with a cafe and a convenient store. The problem with this is when I started binge eating it led to self-hate, which in turn led to me making myself sick. I remember at one point I got so sick of this and called one of my best-friends, who is still my friend to this day. She picked me up and took me to her apartment where I completely broke down and told her everything. However, as great and supportive as she was I wasn’t ready to change. For a few days I was more aware of it but I slipped back into my old habits. However, she never knew this because I acted fine for years after that, therefore I cut out a source of help.
A few months later I went to England with my mom, if you have ever been to Europe you know that their food is extremely carb heavy, and I gained an immense amount of weight from the vacation alone. I was also making myself sick whilst on vacation. Then one day I looked at a photo my mom took of me. I saw the weight in my face, in my thighs, in my mid-section, and I just did not even recognize myself. I looked unrecognizable from the girl I spent years knowing and I just knew I couldn’t keep living this life that made me so unbelievably miserable. It was at that point I decided that I was going to try to lose weight the healthy way. I got a personal trainer, I started running mile after mile, and I changed up my diet. Over the summer I lost 20 pounds I felt so happy and confident with myself again. It felt amazing to have my life back. Well long story short that lasted for a few months. Over the summer it was really easy for me to make those healthy choices and get to the gym but then I went back to school. My first semester back at college after losing the weight I was great. People were commenting on how great I looked, asking me for help and how I did it, and I was making healthy choices. However, I got comfortable. Around December I started slipping back into bad habits. I was drinking HEAVILY like 3-5 times a week, as a result of drinking I started drunk eating (now if you do the math drinking 3-5 times a week means drunk eating just as much), and weight started coming back on. At first this triggered my anxiety and that was it. I mean it was no fun to have anxiety attacks over my weight but I wasn’t making myself sick. For a while I tried maintaining the workouts I had over the summer expecting the running to fix all the damage I had done to my body but my body was not responding. The anxiety led to me wondering how I could I fix this? I really wasn’t willing to sacrifice my fun nights with my friends so I slipped back into my eating disorder. At first I just masked it with alcohol and justified it by saying I was getting sick from drinking but unfortunately these habits followed me after I graduated, including the drinking.
When I got home from college it got harder to maintain my eating disorder. As those of you who have had one know it requires a lot of sneaking around and lying and I was having to do this a lot to my parents and eventually my boyfriend as well. However, it didn’t diminish it completely. I will say it came out much more frequently when I had been drinking because I do think binge eating was a frequent occurrence when it came to drinking. The thing about this is I was drinking pretty often at home. I do remember instances I did it sober like after dinners out, for example. So from my first relapse until my recovery this was nearly two years. I don’t know what made me speak out but I do remember the instance.
I was on vacation and we had an unhealthy meal so I excused myself from a MASSIVE crowd of family and friends and went up to my hotel room and threw up. I think it was a moment of realization for me how sad it was that I was doing that while people I love were downstairs having fun. I called my boyfriend, drunk I might add, and told him. However, I kind of was whatever about it playing it off as not a big deal. What he made me do was probably a major key to my recovery. He made me tell my mom. Once my mom knew about this there was no chance of hiding it anymore because its a mom’s mission to make sure you are healthy. She got me through the vacation, which I enjoyed immensely after that not only was it a lovely vacation but it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. She promised me when we got home that we would fix this.
When I returned home I stopped messing around and it was/is a long road to recovery. The drinking was cut back, I was put on a meal plan by my boyfriend, and I started taking working out more seriously. I found myself a therapist and finally I walked into the gym with a new purpose. It was here October 2016 that my recovery began.
Now thats all I am going to reveal for this week. Lets call it the intro to my new and improved journey. Next week I will talk about my fitness journey during my successful recovery. I will cover how my mindset changed, what I did to change it, and how I used that to keep me in recovery. Thank you so much for reading and I hope you will return to my page.